Sessions of the Jedi Council
by rimera
Summary: The Jedi Council has a lot on their plate, but that doesn't mean they can't discuss what's really important, like... fanfiction! Set in the time where Anakin is on the council, just before the end of Revenge of the Sith...
1. Time Travel

**Okay, I do not own Star Wars, nor any fanfic story spun from that epic tale, and I would like to say, I love reading fanfiction. I read it all the time, and I especially love time travel fanfic, which is why I felt compelled to make fun of it... I mean it in the best sense, please, keep writing all the time travel fanfic you want. This story is just to give you something to laugh at, and at the same time save some of you the page-long reviews you get from me since, for some reason, I am too lazy to get out there and write my own stories...**

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The Jedi Council is now in session...

Smoothing his robes as he stood, Mace Windu addressed the Jedi Council. Most were older, some were men, some were women, one was Anakin Skywalker, and all had just the slightest air of consternation about them. Master Windu began.

"Council members, you all know why we are here. With all that is going on with the war, the Separatists, the Senate, and this unknown Sith Lord, most other things have drifted off to the sidelines, outside of our scope of attention. However, I do not believe I am the only one here who has had run-ins with the problem we are here to discuss... and it has become a problem."

Various sounds of agreement could be heard from all around the council chamber, with expressions ranging from meditative serenity to the scowl on Anakin Skywalker's face. Mace Windu continued. "Our visions of the future had been shadowed enough, with the Dark Side of the Force being used to conceal Darth Sidious's plans, but with all this traveling back and forth in time, it's impossible to know what is real anymore, and what is fantasy."

One Jedi Master spoke up. "I, for one, have been unable to meditate with all these disturbances in the Force," he said, trying not to wring his hands. "It's been like that for nearly a month!" Other Jedi nodded, murmuring about their own reactions.

A Twi'lek female tilted her head. "I also have had difficulty in meditation. What is more, I have often times been asked to take on some of these future visitors as padawans, only to have them dissappear before the end of the week."

Obi-wan Kenobi nodded. "I also have experienced... hardships. Every now and then, my old master Qui-Gon will come back to life, having been Anakin's Master instead of me, and then he will dissappear, never having survived Darth Maul's attack," he said, exchanging a look with Anakin. "And Anakin and I are still getting over last week's... well... body switching incident..."

Anakin stirred uncomfortably, feeling the need to speak. "I keep getting these visions of the future, then forgetting them before I can tell anyone about them... " he murmured, looking as though he hadn't slept well in weeks.

Yoda nodded sagely. "Many visitors have I had in the middle of the night, claiming that to change history, their mission was," he said, "or that, their secret I must keep." The Jedi Master sighed. "Tired of lying to the council on their behalf, have I become..." The others nodded, sighing. It was obvious that many of them could all do with a good night's rest.

"I'm sorry, Masters, this is all my fault," Anakin Skywalker said, remorsefully. "Most of the time it's my descendants who are doing the travelling through time.." Not to mention himself, he thought, but did not want to think about that experience again.

Yoda narrowed his eyes. "Discuss the reason you even have descendants, we will not," he said, casting his stern look first at Anakin, then at any of the other Jedi who wished to debate this. "However, your fault this is not. On the shoulders of myself and Obi-wan Kenobi, the weight of this burden lies."

Obi-wan's eyes went wide. "Me? Master Yoda, I don't understand..."

Yoda grunted. "These visitors from the future, many times sent by our future selves, they were," he explained, which caused Obi-wan to scowl.

"We can't be blamed for the actions of our future selves, any more than Anakin can be blamed for the actions of Darth Vader!" he exclaimed, for the moment losing his grasp on his trademark Jedi calm.

Master Windu gave him a dark look. "We aren't supposed to know about Darth Vader yet, Obi-wan, not until after Anakin helps the Emperor kill me and massacres all the younglings here at the temple," he warned.

Anakin's hand hit his head. "Oh, yeah, that's what those visions were about... it all seems so simple until I... wait, what was I just saying?" he asked, a blank look on his face.

Master Windu shook his head, then turned his attention back to Obi-wan. "Master Kenobi, Master Yoda's right. While the two of you aren't the only cause of these disturbances, you are the main cause. Every time we get some Solo kid in here, he or she has some story to tell about how one of your ghosts from the future told them to come back and try to keep Anakin from turning to the Dark Side. Even Qui-Gon's ghost has been implicated a couple of times."

Anakin looked up. "Wait, I'm not going to turn to the Dark Side! What are you talking about?"

Ignoring him, Master Windu lifted his hands pleadingly to the council. "It's obvious that the only way to stop this incessant time-jumping is to make a rule not to command, help, or even allow, anyone to go back into the past, for any reason at all. Is this agreeed to by all?" he asked.

There was a pause, then one Jedi after another nodded his or her head, even Anakin and Obi-wan. Mace Windu smiled. "Good, it's settled. There will be no more-"

He was inturrupted by a disturbance in the Force, so strong everyone in the council could feel it, and suddenly, three young children appeared from thin air into the middle of the room. They all had lightsabers, and everyone in the council groaned audibly.

The kids looked at eachother, confused, then one of them spoke. "Hi, I'm Jacen-"

"We know," Master Windu cut in, sighing as he fell back into his seat in exhaustion. "We already know."

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**Please feel free to review and flame all you want. Once again, I only make fun of what I really love, and only to give you serious fanfic writers a laugh before dutifully going back to your stories. I will add chapters as I get ideas for them, and they will all be discussed before the Jedi Council. Have something fanficky you want discussed? Do tell!**


	2. Light, Dark, and High School Hell

**Hello, I'm back, and I still don't own Star Wars, or any star wars fanfic. I love, LOVE fanfiction, and this story is not meant to offend anyone, just to be humorous and provide giggles to those bogged down with their own serious stories. But do feel free to review... I can always use more ideas.**

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The Jedi Council is now in session...

Master Windu was about to begin speaking, when everyone in the council could hear footsteps running down the hall towards the Council Chamber. Finally, the chamber doors flew open, and there stood Luke Skywalker, his face red from running so hard, panting desperately to catch his breath.

Master Windu shook his head. "Come in, Skywalker," he said in what he hoped to be a patient tone of voice, though the guilty look on Luke's face told him otherwise. Luke came in and sat down next to his father, who looked him over strangely.

One of the older Jedi Masters spoke up. "Master Windu... it was my impression that the last session of council led to expressly forbidding time travel..." he said, and Master Windu nodded in his direction.

"Yes, that was the decision of the Council, wasn't it?" Windu said, accusatorily staring at Master Yoda, who looked away. "However, what's done is done, and Luke can provide insight into something that has been troubling us for some time now," he said, his gaze turning to Anakin Skywalker. "We need to discuss, once and for all, the difference between the Dark Side and the Light Side of the Force."

He looked around. "Most of you here today are Jedi Masters," he said, and cast a glance at Anakin. "With all the trouble headed our way, however, it seems that, amidst all the confusion, the difference between the nature of good and evil has gotten a bit... murky."

Anakin scowled. "Master Windu, why don't you just tell us what this session is really about," he said, a tremor of hurt in his voice. "It's about whether or not I can be truly redeemed in the future from the Dark Side."

A few gasps could be heard around the council, and Yoda spoke up. "Know now about your future turn towards the Dark Side, do you, young Anakin?" he asked, only mildly suprised.

Anakin nodded, pulling out a piece of paper. "Last time someone told me about it, I wrote it down, so I wouldn't forget it again," he said, glancing at the note before putting it back into his pocket.

Master Windu sighed, his gaze still on Anakin. "Anakin, perhaps you can tell us, then, the difference between good and evil, between the Jedi and the Sith."

Anakin tilted his head in thought. "The Sith look inwards, thinking only about themselves," he said, repeating the lessons he had been taught many times by Obi-Wan Kenobi. "The Jedi are selfless, thinking only of others."

Luke marvelled at his father's insight and depth... he would have said something about red lightsabers versus green or blue lightsabers, but Anakin's version sounded better... A disparaging look from Master Yoda made him strengthen his mental shields and keep his mind focussed on the meeting.

Master Windu nodded at Anakin's words. "Obi-Wan has taught you well," he said. "So then, the real question is, when Darth Vader is supposedly 'redeemed' in the future, is he thinking about others, or himself?"

Luke's brow furrowed, knowing it was his turn to speak. "My father," he said, refusing to call him Darth Vader, "grabbed Emperor Palpatine as he was attacking me, knowing full well the Force Lightening would kill him, and threw him into the reactor shaft of the Death Star," he said, remembering the event vividly. "He was thinking of me, then, not himself... were he thinking of himself, he would not have sacrificed his life to save mine." There were murmurs from various council members, and he went on. "After his death, I saw his spirit, standing next to Yoda's and Obi-Wan Kenobi's. That couldn't happen if he were still under the sway of the Dark Side, could it?" he asked.

A few mutterings from the council were heard, and Master Windu nodded. "Yes, that is proof that he was redeemed in the future... as we all know, the Sith do not become luminous beings when they die... they go to that other place."

Anakin raised an eyebrow, confused. "What other place is that?" he asked, wondering why he'd never heard of it before.

Yoda shook his head slowly. "Speak of it, we do not, for a terrible, terrible place it is," he said ominously.

Feeling he owed his former padawan an explaination, Obi-Wan cleared his throat. "Anakin... when a Sith dies... his evil cannot be permitted to exist in this reality, so he goes to another one... one created solely for the punishment of the truly evil," he said, dreading the words before he spoke them. "The High School Fic reality," he said finally, and a cold dark wind could be felt all throughout the room, as if this Hell of all Hells glanced at them at the mere mention of its name.

Luke scowled, confused. "The High School Fic reality?" he asked, wondering why Obi-Wan had never told him of it. As he said the words, the lights in the Council Chamber flickered slightly, and he felt a cold chill go down his back.

Master Windu nodded, swallowing hard. "It's a desolate world, where everyone you know is approximately the same age, and important things like true love and the fate of the universe are set aside for horrors like standardized tests, peer pressure, and... homework..." he said, and everyone in the room suddenly felt cold. "It is a life unlike any you have ever known... no, not life, more like eternal torment. Some poor wretched souls are born into that reality, but the people in this reality have mercifully been spared... unless they allow themselves to be consumed by evil and die in their own darkness... then their souls are to be forever tormented by... teenage angst."

Each member of the council could almost hear voices crying out to them from the deep, dark depths of this eternal hell, before Yoda determined to change the subject. "Have another matter to discuss, this council does," he said, and slowly warmth began to seep back into the council chamber.

Master Windu nodded. "Yes... Anakin Skywalker," he said, sighing. "The Council owes you an apology."

"What?" Anakin asked, completely caught off-guard.

Master Windu nodded, looking down slightly. "All you wanted was to be a good Jedi," he said. "Your loyalty to those you love, and to the Republic, for which we will all stand, is what eventually turns you to the Dark Side. If we had been a little less distant, a little more trusting of you, and a little more easier to talk to, this whole thing could probably be avoided," he said, getting nods from all around the council, especially from Obi-Wan. "We would all like to say, we're sorry for being so mean to you," he said, and the other council members voiced their agreement and apologies.

Anakin was touched. "I... I don't know what to say," he said. Luke smiled and laid a hand on his shoulder, and Anakin smiled back, laying his hand over Luke's. "Thank you," he said, casting his gaze around the room. "And... I'm sorry, too," he said, looking especially over at Obi-Wan Kenobi. "I'm sorry I've been such an arrogant jerk lately, and for... you know... all that stuff I'm supposed to do as Darth Vader," he said, looking down.

Luke looked up. "Wait... if you all know what's going to happen... can't you change it? Re-write history? Make things-"

"NO!" everyone in the Council shouted at once, including Anakin. Mace Windu shook his head.

"I'd thought we had covered that in the last council session..." he muttered, scowling again at Yoda, who looked away innocently.

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**Read and review! I'm open to ideas from anyone, whether you have a sense of humor or not, and if you don't, well, there's a special place for those who give their lives over to humorlessness... muwahahaha!**


	3. Yodaspeak

**Yes, friends, I'm back... this one's been on my desktop for a while. This was originally supposed to be a how-to manual for those amateur Yoda-speakers out there, but as I tried to write it, I discovered that I was not as knowledgeable about the subject as I had originally thought. I found a forum where one person suggested Yoda spoke sort of like Shakespeare, and so far, that's the best Yoda-speaking advice I have found. So, I have attempted instead to explain _why _Yoda talks the way he does... here goes.**

**I do not own Star Wars; if I did, I'd have gray hair, a beard, a few more pounds, and my husband would probably want a divorce.**

The Jedi Council is now in session...

Standing in the middle of the council room are ten young padawans, all close to the same age, and all looking down glumly as Mace Windu gives them a stern glare. His glare, of course, is nothing compared to that of Master Yoda, who, curiously enough, seems to be seething.

Mace Windu clears his throat. "Padawans, do you know why you're here today?" he asked in his sternest possible voice. The padawans seemed to swallow in unison, before nodding their heads glumly. "And why is that?" he asked, wanting to hear their own admission of their crimes.

One of the padawans, a boy with light brown hair, shuffled his feet. "Because... we reprogrammed all the protocol droids in the temple to..." he finished by mumbling something unintelligible.

Mace Windu raised an eyebrow. "Programmed them to do what? Speak up, padawan," he said warningly.

The padawan looked up, frightened. "We reprogrammed them to talk like... like Master Yoda," he said, blushing furiously as one of the other padawans snickered.

"Silent you will be!" Master Yoda snapped angrily. "Funny this is not!" All of the padawans were suddenly silent, having never before seen Yoda angry.

Mace Windu sighed. "Padawans, are you happy here at the Temple?" he asked, tiredly.

The padawans looked at eachother. "Yes, Master Windu," they all said in unison.

"And haven't your masters taken good care of you, and taught you the ways of the Jedi?" he asked them.

"Yes, Master Windu," the padawans repeated, a little more nervously.

"And hasn't Master Yoda been a good teacher to you as well, always making time to speak with you whenever you had a problem?" he probed.

The padawans looked at each other, suddenly feeling guilty. "Yes, Master Windu," they said, a little more softly this time.

Master Windu scowled. "Then, why would you want to make fun of Master Yoda, instead of giving him the respect he so obviously has earned?" he demanded.

The padawans studied their feet, and one of the girls started to cry. "I'm sorry, Master Yoda," she choked out, and was followed by mumbled apologies from the other padawans.

At this Master Yoda nodded, and stopped glaring. "Forgiven you are, but happen again this will not. Reprogram all the protocol droids you will, and then, deactivated all the cleaning droids will be," he said, leveling his gaze at each errant padawan. "In charge of cleaning the Temple for a month you will be."

The padawans gasped. One, a red-haired boy, got up the nerve to ask, "But... Master Yoda, the Temple is huge. There are thousands of cleaning droids... and only ten of us! It's impossible!"

"Hmph! Impossible only in your mind, Padawan," Yoda replied, leaning on his stick. "Use the Force, the cleaning droids cannot. Good practice for you, this will be."

There were sighs heard from a few of the padawans, though they all mumbled "Yes, Master Yoda," before bowing politely and filing out of the room.

Master Yoda nodded to himself, pleased, when out of the corner of his eye he saw Windu staring at him inquisitively. Raising an eyebrow, he turned to the Jedi Master. "Trouble you, something does?" he asked.

Master Windu hesitated a moment, before finally speaking. "Master Yoda... I've known you all my life, and I've always wondered..." He took a deep breath before continuing on bravely, "...why do you speak the way you do?"

"Hmm?" Yoda asked, startled at this question from a Jedi Master like Windu.

Master Windu shuffled in his seat. "Well... I mean... you've served on this Council for centuries, and you've been around people who spoke Basic... well... the way we speak it... for almost 900 years. I'm just wondering... " he trailed off, suddenly losing his nerve under Master Yoda's glare.

Yoda was silent for a long time before he answered finally. "When a youngling you were, Master Windu, speak as an adult you could not, hmm?" he stated more than asked, and Mace Windu nodded. "And, to young ears, garbled the words of adults were, yes?" Once again, Windu nodded. Yoda raised an eyebrow then, eyes glinting mischievously. "Much older I am, than you, Master Windu," he explained, settling back in his chair.

Master Windu's eyes were wide as he contemplated this. "So... you're saying that, the reason the way you talk seems strange to me and everyone else is because... you're older and know how to talk better?!"

Master Yoda simply nodded, doing his best to keep a straight face at Windu's consternation as he stared at Yoda in shock for a long moment, before dismissing the Council for the day.

**Well, faithful readers, more to come, and, I promise, I am currently working all of your suggestions in. (Gosh, I make that sound as though there are a lot of them.) Please, give me your thoughts... I must have your thoughts... (lol) Reviews remind me that I'm writing a story.**


	4. Mary Sue

**a/n: Okay, I know, I know... THAT was a very, very long break. Lots has happened... including a baby! But, one wonderful reviewer caught my attention, and gave me the perfect way to attack that subject which we all knew I had to get to sooner or later... the dreaded Mary Sue. I hope you enjoy! (and thanks, reviewer, you know who you are!)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't make any sense if I did.**

The golden-red rays of sunset bathed the Council chambers as Mace Windu slightly lifted his right hand, calling the Jedi Council to order. "Masters," he said, then, glancing to one of the seats on his right, "and Skywalker, we are gathered here today to discuss a matter of grave importance-"

"Aren't all the matters brought before the Jedi Council those of great importance?" a voice demanded, and Anakin, who had been somewhat perturbed at being reminded yet again that he was not a Master, scowled at Master Windu. "You always start with how it's 'a matter of grave importance', as if the other Council members were doing something more important than attending the latest pazaak tournament before you called them-"

"That's enough, Anakin," Obi-Wan suggested somewhat nervously, placing a hand on his former padawan's arm. He tried very hard not to think about the pazaak tournament tickets that were hidden within the folds of his robe… Master Yoda seemed to catch his thoughts, anyway, and gave him a conspiratorial look.

"As I was saying," Mace Windu said with a sigh, long since being accustomed to these emotional outbursts of Skywalker's, "we have a problem. Inter-dimensional rifts seem to be opening up all over the galaxy, creating spatial anomalies and disrupting hyperspace traffic everywhere. If this keeps up, our society will be thrown back into the dark ages, when it took years, or sometimes decades, to get from one planet to another. Without hyperspace travel, the Republic will crumble to nothing overnight," he said, his baritone voice echoing against the stone and transparisteel walls.

Master Yoda blinked at him. "Done, are you?" he asked, his tone flat. When Master Windu hesitantly nodded, Yoda continued. "A flair for the dramatic, Master Windu has, but right, he is," he said to the Council, ignoring the glare Windu sent his way. "These rifts, from the same dimension, many are. Even originating, or otherwise linked to, the same planet," he said, pausing for dramatic effect (and completely unconcerned about the possible hypocrisy of doing so). "Earth, its natives call it," he finished.

"Earth?" Anakin asked, for once not thinking about whether or not someone was insulting him in some way. "Hey, that's where Mary's from!"

Obi-Wan stiffened. "Did you say… Mary?" he asked, nervousness trickling through his Jedi calm. He probably needed to spend more time in meditation, and less going to pazaak tournaments. Then again… he had already bought the tickets…

"Yeah," Anakin replied, breaking his old Master out of his reverie. "She's the new youngling at the Temple. She's prettier than everyone else, and better at fighting, and using the Force, even though she'd only found out about it yesterday. She's pretty amazing," he said, feeling things Padme would probably slap him for if she knew.

Mace Windu frowned. "You don't mean… Mary Sue, do you?" he asked, his voice warning of ominous things.

Anakin nodded. "Yeah, she wanted to know if she could be my Padawan, but I told her I already had Ahsoka, and couldn't possibly take on another. Unless you'd let me bend the rules a little…?" he asked, his voice hopeful. A room full of glares shot him down.

"So… Mary Sue is back. And it appears she is the one responsible for all of these inter-dimensional rifts," another Jedi Master said. He scratched his impossibly tall forehead absently. "If she is from this planet Earth, then our mission is clear. We must kill her, dismember her, then send all of the pieces back to the sithspawn of a planet from which she came," he said evenly.

Anakin's eyes bulged. "What? But… she's a Jedi youngling! She's one of us! You can't!"

Obi-Wan sighed, once again finding himself in the awkward position of explaining the Council's decisions to Anakin in terms that he would find reasonable. It got old. "Anakin, Mary Sue is more evil than evil. She's worse than the Sith. The Sith want to rule the galaxy. Mary Sue will not rest until it is completely and totally obliterated beyond all recognition."

Anakin shook his head. "That… that's not true. That's impossible!" he exclaimed, not feeling even the slightest hint of foreshadowing as he did so. "Why would she want to do something like that?" he demanded.

"I think it's because she's lonely," Obi-Wan said sadly. He frowned slightly. "I suppose there are no males on her home planet, so she feels the need to travel to another dimension to enslave the males here. First, she uses her powerful pheremones to cause all the males around her to fight over her. Then, she uses her powers to corrupt the very essence of the galaxy around her, warping it until it completely loses cohesion and falls apart under the strain," he said. "We've burned through a few galaxies already trying to escape her," he revealed.

"Yeah, but you can't- wait, what?" Anakin asked, before being cut off by another Jedi Master.

"So, it's settled then? Hack her to pieces and send her remains home as an example to others of her kind?" the Twi'lek Jedi Master asked calmly. There were nods all around the room, except for from Anakin, who was still sputtering in his speechlessness.

"Very well. To the training rooms!" Master Yoda announced, igniting his lightsaber. The other Jedi Masters did the same, and they all swept out of the Council chambers, leaving behind a pale and trembling Anakin Skywalker.

Anakin swallowed hard, then took a deep breath. "Well, I guess I won't have to explain anything to Padme after all…" he muttered to himself.

**_a/n: I make no promises about when the next chapter will come. Keep sending me your ideas, and when I see one that I can work with (and if I have time), I will do my best to make it happen._**


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